To Cole: My Stussy-wearing, fence-hopping, tongue-scraping, sprinkle stubble architecture boy. From the moment Nick Burt talked about his friend from Sky-arc, I think the universe was determined to put you into my life—just so that, two years later, I could still make fun of someone for saying Sky-arc hahaha.
Even while I write this, I smile thinking about the moments we've spent together, but at the same time this is so hard for me. I have written and rewritten this letter so many times since we broke up. Some days I feel at peace letting you go. Other days it's not so easy for me, when I realize I can't talk to you and missing the days I would call knowing you would pick up on the second ring. It’s sad, ending our relationship not because the connection or feelings aren't there, but because of this complicated situation. I think I am at a point now where I can think about it less and less, but there are still moments when it creeps up and I feel that feeling of slightly disintegrating again. Because it breaks me if I think about it, knowing that my best friend is out there and I can’t be with him right now, whether that’s together in person or together as a couple.
There were moments in our relationship where it was really hard to be together, either because of long distance or with the ways we were communicating. But I always appreciated you, for being there for me when I was at my loneliest in a new city, always calling me and making the effort to talk through things even when I was an anxious mess, and for being the only person who actually made it out to Portland to visit me this summer. We weren't perfect, and it's easy to over romanticize what we had, but through you I felt seen, I felt appreciated even with all my flaws.
It's crazy now to imagine that we've only known each other for less than a year, when I can't really think of a time before you were my person: the one I wanted to talk about my day with, share my happiest moments with and (I felt especially lucky for this) share my love of design with. Even looking back now, there were moments when I should've known I was falling in love with you. I wanted to put them all in this site, so that even when I'm a time zone away and you're deep in your studies at school, even when time passes and we move on, we don't forget.
The way I remember it, I started falling for you first when you helped me fix my wooden structure, but I think it might've happened way before that. I have a journal of happy memories from each day throughout 2021, and on January 13th your name pops up; you had left me some voice memos that day and they'd made me smile. In March I got back to L.A., and even though I held back a lot on our first "date" I was still touched that you took me to places in LA I would end up cherishing forever: Owl Bureau, the reservoir, Pine & Crane. May 21, you took me on that architecture tour after visiting the Venice Canals and Marina Del Rey. You said you were nervous, but all I remember before you kissed me for the very first time was this little cocky smile on your face. And after everything we did on that rooftop, with you holding my hand on our way back to your car, I knew after that night I was done for.
I didn't expect to see you again after that; for all I knew, it was a one-time thing for you. But then you gave me that playlist, Better Than an Afterthought; for the first time I regretted my decision to leave Los Angeles. For so long I felt like I'd done everything I'd wanted to do in the city, spent enough time with the people I cared about there. But I drove to Chinatown listening to that playlist, and I felt a pang of hurt as I thought: here was something new staring me in the face, and I didn't think I could easily give someone like you up. From there, it was a whirlwind as we tried to spend as much time as we could together. I remember you taking me to Freelandbuck, seeing the city and doing work together in the studio, walking to Verve after spending nights together (nights where we didn't get very much sleep), you pulling me close to you and kissing me on our late walks around downtown, visiting Ennis house, showing you my favorite coffee spot in Westwood. The list goes on and on, and of course there were so many more happy memories in Portland as well, you know the drill: hiking in Forest Park, swimming and berry picking, reading at the Bluffs, making love and being able to hold you so close to me. When you left that weekend I held you at the airport, feeling scared that would be the last time I would get to hug you. But, I'm glad we were able to have one final special weekend in LA; I will always remember sitting across from you at Pine & Crane, and touching my forehead to yours at Silverlake Reservoir in the dark, closing my eyes and just being with you. Driving through Los Angeles at night holding your hand, doing one last walk through the Arts District, a place I'd begun to associate with you, waking up next to your body again. Feeling close to you one last time.
You said in your previous letter that you had felt lonely for a while; I think I honestly didn't feel lonely for a while until I met you. Fucked up, I know, but I guess I had just lived for a while assuming there weren't a lot of people out there like me and who could like me for me. And then suddenly there was you, someone who got all my references and could actually have conversations with me about everything I loved. A person who understood my workaholism. Making me goodbye cards from Processing hahaha and calling me about Cargo websites. Sometimes I was worried that you loved me more as a designer, not me as a person, but I don't think that way anymore. I have this memory of us eating together at Burgerlord, when we first started seeing each other, and you gave out this laugh when I made a little excited noise before eating my burger. I would've been embarrassed making that accidental sound before anyone else, but you looked at me in this special way and I knew, in that moment, that you saw even my dorkiness and you appreciated me.
Then when you left me that letter for me to find in Portland, I truly knew. I cried when I found that letter; it was the first time in two years I felt in love again. And you used the word "love" for the first time in that letter. I missed you so, so much in that moment. It was kind of a lonely, but simultaneously beautiful feeling, to really want to be with someone who life just couldn't let me be with. I'm sorry that at that moment I couldn't use the word "love" back. It was so scary. And I know you've had your moments too, especially after our breakup, where you couldn't be emotionally vulnerable or available with me. I'm sorry to say I've even hated you at times, when all I wanted during my worst moments was for you to lower down your walls a bit and show me that you, too, were affected by our breakup. I felt the loneliest I'd been in a while. But I know maybe that's not so easy for you. In any case, thank you for at least doing that in person with me. For crying with me in LAX, and for giving me all those late nights this summer where you could be mine and I could be yours.
When we were doing long distance this summer, I imagined all the different ways of telling you for the first time that I love you. I had different scenarios in my head of getting back to LA, either saying it at Silverlake Reservoir or up on your rooftop or whispering it before falling asleep together. I’m so glad I got to say it to you in person in Los Angeles that weekend, because sometimes the feeling wants to burst out of me. I love you, I love you, I love you. I wish I got to say it more.
I know we haven’t been together that long and I know time didn't allow our love to develop more than it could have. But I loved you beyond our romantic connection; you were a best friend to me. I loved you whether you were sending me dumb memes or getting worked up about theory. I loved you up close, while sleeping in your arms and looking up into your eyes, and I will from far away, whether that’s in Portland or New York. I loved you, Cole Kazuo Masuno, and I hope that you will be happy looking back at this time spent with me, someday. I can't love you anymore without hurting myself further and I'm sorry that I can't be your friend right now, but I hope it is possible for us in the future. I hope there will always be that small space in your heart for me, and that you will always regard those memories as special. I know I will.
From your pufferfish, Amy (8/23/2021)
P.S. Here is the last playlist, made for you. I hope you enjoy <3